The Hodgepodge, Potpourri, and Smorgasbord Post

As a few of you have been so kind to tell me, I have sucked at keeping my blog.  Thanks, for your well wishes and shall we say “gentle” nudges to write a new posting.   

So what wonderful and fabulous things have I been up to in the last two months?  The answer, sadly, is not a whole hell of a lot. Back at the beginning of April, some coworkers and I went to an amusement park in Seoul known as Lotteworld. Lotteworld, or as I like to call it, copyright infringement land, has probably been sued by the Disney company more times than one can conveniently count. Not because of the rides, but because of the items one can buy there.  Mouse ears??? Really??? Even the curtain on their stage bares an uncanny resemblance to the wonderful world of Disney curtain that Tinkerbelle opens at the beginning of Disney specials on ABC. Hell, they even have a knock off the Disney knock off of Neuschwanstein! As for rides, this place is very much geared to the small child, but there are a few adult rollercoasters that are good times.  They also have this giant tower which spins you up to the top and then drops you straight down. For those of you that know me, you know I don’t have a fear of heights.  I love them.  What I am terrified of is the sensation of falling. It makes my skin crawl and causes shouts, not unlike those of an eight year old girl, to come from my lips unbidden. Despite this, I went on the ride. I figured I’m here I might as well… It wasn’t a good decision.  The other ride that I feel I ought to mention is a rollercoaster they call Atlantis.  It’s mostly awesome.  I say mostly because while we were waiting the hour and change to get on the two minute ride, I noticed a sign that gave me pause. It simply read max height: 1m90.  Now, for those of you not familiar with the metric system, I at right around 6’2”, am 1m85. So at a guess, it has a max height of 6’4”. The entire idea of being too tall to ride a rollercoaster really got under my skin. Then I got into the car I noticed almost instantly that my body did not fit into the car in the way that it was designed to accept a human body. I figured, what the hell, it will only last a few minutes.  I can be a little uncomfortable in order to take a thrill ride. What I didn’t expect was that we’d sit there for five minutes before we started out. By the time the car started down the track, I had developed the most painful cramps in my hips that I have ever had. 

            My friends and I were going to go out and experience the Seoul nightlife, but we were exhausted from standing in line all day. So, we just relaxed at the hostel and hung out with the guys that own and operate it. This lead to the drinking of Soju. Soju, is a very inexpensive and strong type of alcohol. A bottle of it runs about a buck.  It leads to me singing Karaoke in what is known as a Norebang with Koreans I have just met.  Fun at the time, shameful and hangover inducing come the morning.

            Cassie and I went back to Seoul a few weeks later to hang out with those guys again, but bad mojo struck and well… I’m just going to leave it at this.  I woke up closer to the North Korean boarder than I did to Seoul and spent $80 on a taxi ride back.  There is no upside to this story.  I just thought I’d mention it. 

            With only one other exception, I’ve been staying in Seosan on the weekends trying to make friends and influence people. I’ve finally got a decent group of core friends and that will lead to great experiences and stories later. Such as the weekend we spent camping at Malipo beach to celebrate my friend Amy’s birthday. Good times had by all, even if I’m not allowed to play with roman candles anymore.  Let’s just say that wizard battles on the beach in Korea can be fun… Also, I know that it was stupid and was told many times the next morning that it was dangerous.  Please, don’t chime in with your own critique of proper firework use.  I’ve learned my lesson.  Mostly. At least, it was roman candles and not bottle rockets on the fourth of July… right Mom? 

            So that’s all the fun I’ve been having. My work schedule really has me going. I’ve added an adult class Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to my list of work so I’m now working from 7:50 on those days until 8:00. Monday and Friday it’s only from 11:00 until 8:00. The problem is that my place of education is first and foremost a business and it is run like one.  The illusion of success is better than the actual attainment of skill and homework, if parents complain about it, is like junk mail.  You look at it and then do nothing with it. None of my students really want to be here and my Kindergarteners cry at the drop of a hat. So by the time Friday comes around, I’m more or less able to chew iron and spit nails. I need all weekend doing more or less nothing to recharge enough to face the coming week. I know that teachers in the States have to deal with parents too, but they don’t have to change test grades to keep the parents happy and, in extension, themselves employed.

           

            Also, Lowell and Dave, I don’t have a girlfriend.  I don’t’ even know a girl that would be upset if she were to hear me say that. So, thanks for thinking that I could pull it off, but I honestly don't have the time to find one.


Also, this weekend I plan on staying at home and will be putting up pictures of my time here.

Folktales

Hey all,

Not a whole lot has been going on here in Seosan. The weather remains cold and I have given up hope that the wind will stop blowing. I also have managed to get a sinus infection, as the wee ones cough on EVERYTHING and I can't seem to wash my hands enough to keep the germs at bay. So, instead of telling you of my awesome adventures, I'll have to tell you an honest to God (I couldn't make this up if I tried) Korean folktale as it appears in one of the actual books I use to teach. You shalln't be disappointed. Without further ado, I give you the "Tale of the Farting Woman".

Once upon a time there was a nice and pretty woman. However, she had a problem. She couldn't control her farts. She farted very often and her farts were very loud and strong. In fact, her farts were so strong that she could make a pot blow away. Her father became very angry with her and told ther that she couldn't fart anymore as she was going to be married soon. So the woman decided to hold in her farts. When she could married she moved in with her husbands family and had several children. She did not fart for ten years. She became very ill. When her father-in-law asked her why she was sick, she told him it was because she was holding in her farts. He smiled at her and told her that she was allowed to fart at anytime she needed to, as it was natural. She made her family gather and hold onto a pillar as she knew that when she farted it would be very powerful. She final let it go and the fart was so strong that her in-laws were blown into the neighbor's house and her children were blown into a nearby field. The house was destroyed. From then on she was allowed and encouraged to fart when she felt the need. The end.

Wow.

Some call me Gimli, others call me Steve Jobs?

So, in my last post I promised to explain a few things about
my situation; mainly about where I am, why I’m here and what in the hell it is
that I’m doing.

It all started about a year ago when my relationship with Jayme fell to ruins. I was super depressed about life and things only got worse when my job at Vigilin (a software company in Wilsonville) went the way of the dodo a month later. The job market in Portland was horrid and the amount of underemployment was mind boggling. Needless to say it wasn’t the kind of market
one can find a job with any sense of ease. After months of throwing my resume out there and not getting any bites I started to get desperate for a job of any kind. As luck would have it, my friend Jill was in town and told me all about the year she spent teaching English in Korea. It reminded me of my time in Austria and how rewarding it was to teach. So, I decided on the spot that I too
would venture to Asia and once again teach English. I contacted a recruiter and got a job in
about a week. I started the paperwork and began the long process of waiting. Thanks to the FBI and a moron that took my fingerprints I lost the first job. Apparently, the FBI is picky about the type of fingerprint card they process and the aforementioned moron used the wrong one. It only took the FBI ten weeks to inform me of this error and well you can guess how I felt about the
entire ordeal. The words asinine and re-damn-diculous were used on multiple occasions following my learning of what transpired. Being a bit stubborn, I stuck with it and finally here I am; the only white man in a town of 160,000 people that has a beard.

Where is here you may be asking? I’m in a town called Seosan. Seosan is located
south of Seoul on a little peninsula that juts out into the East China Sea, where there are less than 1,000 non-Korean folk living. (For extra credit google it.) I work at a Hagwon named Seosan SLP, we lovingly (not really) refer to it as the Hagwon of hard knocks. My first day of actually teaching was a cluster-fuck mostly due to the fact that I was at work for 12 hours and the schedule wasn’t finalized until after the day’s teaching was finished. Having to teach without knowing what class you’re going to be in until a few minutes before hand is… stressful to say the least. I run the gambit in terms of classes, from Kindergarten all the way up to middle school level classes with everything in between. The kids love me and for some reason are convinced that I look like Steve Jobs. It’s really weird living here, as everyone stares at me wherever I go and by stare, I mean gawk at. When I was shopping the other day a small boy saw me ran around the corner and brought his dad back to have a good long look. I half expected them to throw some peanuts at me, but there must have been a sign written in Hangul warning the natives not to feed the foreigners…

Impressions of living in Korea: Or some might call me... Gimli...

While walking home from the grocery store I came across a man in his late fifties or early sixties. When he saw me be began speaking rather loudly (read as nearly shouting) in Korean. The closer I came to him, the more animate he became. I did what any sane person in my situation would do... I kept walking and pretended that I didn't see him. When it became obvious to him that I didn't understand a word he was saying he switched to English. "Very tall," he would say while pointing at me. All I could do was keep walking and nod at him everytime he said it. As this was happening I couldn't help but remember a famous line from the Wizard of Oz... "We're not in Kansas anymore Toto..."

The next day I found out that there would be a "Grand Meeting" that evening and that my presense was not only requested, but required. My first inclination was to be annoyed, but upon finding out that dinner would be provided that switched to excited as it would give me an actual chance to meet the people I'd spend most of the next year working with. Now, some of you may know that I've been training at a different school than the one I'll actually be working at at and if you didn't before you do now. Fortunately or unfortuantely as the case may be, we arrived to late for the actual business portion of hte meeting and headed straight to dinner. I'd had the opportunity, albeit brief to be introduced to my fellow teachers when I went for my health check, but only really was able to catch their names. When I walk in the restraunt, I'm greated with "Hey, Gimli is here!" At first, I don't catch on that they're referring to me... I mean why would I think that a dwarf's name from the Lord of the Rings is being used in reference to me...

It turns out that before they'd set eyes on me it was decided to nickname me Gimli. In a word Awesome.

After dinner we slipped across the street to a Norebang, which is a kareokee bar. This place was sweet. I'm talking private room, lazers mirrored walls... I expected Snoop to walk in at any second. I'm not much of one for singing, but this place had so much atmosphere that I couldn't help myself. Also, how much fun is it to watch people that just met each other do a coreographed dance routine to a song in Korean? Answer: too much! The entire evening I was referred to as Gimli. Even today at work I heard one of the teachers tell a student that Gimli was not a jungle gym. Good times had by all.

Next time, I explain where I am and why I'm doing this, discuss how it feels to be stared at like a three dollar bill and talk about the classes I'll be teaching.

How not to sleep on an international flight for beginners.

So if you've ever found yourself faced with an international flight to destinations new and exciting that is so far ahead or behind you in terms of time zones that the forthcoming jet lag feels like the prospect of having your prostate examined, here are a few helpful tips as to how you can adjust to the time zone before your flight. I'll also give you a few tips for not sleeping on the flight to ensure that you hit the ground running or ready to sleep as the case may be.

Step 1. Before you leave, stay up as late as possible. In fact, if you can swing it don't sleep at all! Insomnia helped me a lot with this step.
Step 2. The night before you leave decide to head out with your cousin, who we shall for the sake of argument name Cody for a beer. While out lose track of the number of drinks you actually have and end up in a state that a sailor would recomend in a new port city.
Step 3. I can't stress this step enough. Wake up still feeling like the aforementioned sailor. Take a shower, being very careful not to die in the process.
Step 4. Get a coffee and chase it an hour or so later with a Five Hour Energy.
Step 5. Ignore any tremors that you notice in your hands from the ammount of caffine that is now surging in your blood stream.
Step 6. Embrace the heart burn. That's right. Focus on the unending burn that your idiocy, I mean well thought out and executed strategy, has created.
Step 7. Sit in front of someone that looks like they could have been a stand-in for Jabba the Hut during the filming of Star Wars. Listen closely as they consume nearly as many alcholic beverages as you did the night before your flight.
Step 8. Be glad that you have no idea where your ear plugs are, as what you can only assume to be snoring since the FFA and TSA don't allow chainsaws onto planes after that entire 9/11 thing.
Step 9. Now that your humanity has slowly returned to you and you are about to land at your destination, drink your remaining Five Hour Energy.
Step 10. Arrive at your destination and wait ninty minutes outside in sub-freezing temperatures for a bus.

Follow these easy ten steps and I promise you by the time you actually see a bed you'll be asleep the instant your head hits what passes for a pillow. You'll awake at a decent hour feeling like you ran through a corn field naked and possible backwards, but you'll know for certain that today can't be worse than yesterday!